Some advice for those who'd like to develop empathy and understanding for parents with hyperactive kids: buy a puppy. 

 Peg and I already had a couple of dogs, but chihuahuas have this tendency to bond with one person. Having had them for a few years before we got married, I was "Dad" to Rusty and Smedley, and Peg was just someone else living in the house. And no one exchanges wet, sloppy kisses with 'em like their Dad. 

 Peg has two grown daughters, and although they love her to death, they're pretty much on their own. I therefore took it upon myself to get her a new "baby." 

 We found Sugar Baby at Traders Village; from the minute she leaped out of the pen into Peg's arms, it was instant love. By the time we got back to the car, Sugar Baby had licked all Peg's makeup off, then slept all the way home. 

 At seven weeks old, Sugar Baby fit easily into the palm of your hand; I carried her to work in my shirt pocket the next day, to show the co-workers the new addition to the family. Like all new babies, she oozed “cute.” 

 We were initially concerned that Rusty and Smedley might hurt the little girl. We needn't have worried. Rusty instantly assumed a fatherly role. Smedley ignored her for the first few days, until he realized she didn't jealously guard her food bowl the way Rusty does. 

 Ah, peace and contentment. One big happy family. 

 That changed the minute Sugar Baby acclimatized, and decided the whole world was one big happy chew-toy. 

 She started by chewing her way out of the big cardboard box we had her sleeping in. She promptly went over to Rusty's bed and forced him out,  starting a fight when Rusty decided he'd move Smedley out. Poor Smed whined plaintively until things were rearranged at 3 a.m. 

 Shortly thereafter, Sugar Baby created a new game: Bite the Boys on the Behind. She'll sneak up behind either of the boys, bite them on the tail or back of the leg, and scurry. By the time they turn to face their tormentor, she's biting again. 

 Since this process usually results in the two males facing one another and growling, a scrap gets underway. Sugar Baby retreats to a corner with this impish grin until the battle is ended by Dad getting up out of bed and separating the combatants. 

 Sugar Baby also likes chewing on toys (not, of course, the traditional squeaky dog-toys you get at the pet store). She prefers toys like toes, fingers, plastic garbage bags and photo albums. When admonished, of course, she sets new world records in the 20-foot dash to her hiding place underneath the couch — where she awaits the next unsuspecting toe. 

 She's also taken up another very disconcerting habit: "fetching" things from others. The neighborhood tomcats like to use our backyard for breakfast, snagging a bird and hunkering down underneath our big fig tree. When it's time to go outside, Sugar Baby rockets to that fig tree. You can hear a hiss a couple of seconds later, followed by the sight of this one-pound chihuahua dragging a dead bird back to the back door to give to Mom. 

 Thus far, Peg has reported being less than impressed with this new skill of our youngest child. She's suggested we check into finding a Ritalin prescription for Sugar Baby. 

 On the other hand, having a hyperactive dog has one advantage. We never have to wash our faces. Ten seconds with that tongue, and you're cleaner than a good two-hour scrub.